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About Literature / Student Member N W RavenFemale/United States Group :iconlonelypumpkin: LonelyPumpkin
Writing with poise.
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This is a gallery of my attempts to show you the wide assortment of things I find intriguing. Enjoy! Or not, if they don't quite suit your fancy.




    I won't say I didn't think of throwing myself out the car door. I did. Again and again. It was the afterthought of my brains and guts smeared across the asphalt that froze my hand on the door handle. Or I could survive the drop and end up knocking myself out, only making this easier for him. Or I could survive the fall, not knock myself out, still be hurt though, and run... And he would be in a car.

    Don't call me a coward. I was already afraid for my life. It was just a question of was I willing to end it myself or let him do it for me. And I caved. Was I brave enough to make him crash the truck and probably not stagger away from the crash? Was I willing to kill someone, no matter how evil they may be? No, I wasn't. I wasn't an action movie heroine; I wasn't jacked up enough on adrenaline to murder, even in self-defense; I wasn't the survivor: I was a little girl. Even for all my trumpeting earlier that I was a fighter, I was a little girl.


    His laser focus was contagious. I stared straight ahead at the road, seeing but not seeing. I knew I should be memorizing our route so I could get back home when I – IF I ever – escaped, but I was running on autopilot. I had forfeited control of myself. And, if I was honest, I just didn't have the energy to wrestle it back. After my revelation, control had been sapped away from me. It was like my resolution was this big dam that kept it all in and I'd demolished it with one sure swing.

    I slept on and off. Don't judge me. How can you say you would have acted any differently? We all like to think in some life-or-death situation we'd be the noble main character, but maybe we're all just the extras that are picked off one by one. Maybe we're all just cowards.


    “Up. We're here.” It was a gruff voice, but familiar; I couldn't place it with the unfamiliar tone the person was using. Here? Where's “here?” Everything was murky from sleep, but I could feel the truck stop. Doors creaked open and slammed, rocking me. Eyes still refused to open. And then the world snapped abruptly into focus. There was suddenly gossip and laughing and footsteps. My eyes flew open.

    School. Huh. I read the name in bold letters about a million times but it still didn't make sense. Frank...actually took me here? But there were my classmates running past and leaning on the side of the building, cliques gossiping between themselves, jocks pushing around a group of goth kids who pushed back just as hard. What even...?

    My car door opened and a backpack was held out to me. I hesitated. He couldn't have possibly just taken me to school like he was supposed to. What was with all that kidnapping business then? “You have ta go ta school, Toni.” My name grabs my attention; but more so the gentle way he said it. Almost quiet-like. Like muttering. It didn't fit with the demanding words. I mentally shook myself. Since when had I thought of Frank as anything but dark and harsh?

    Before I could elaborate on my thoughts, I found myself snatching the backpack from his hand and swinging it violently onto my shoulder, making sure to at least whack his truck in the process. This earned me a glare, which I shot right back. Southern boys and their trucks, man... I started to walk with purpose toward the school building when I could feel him keeping pace beside me. Puzzled, I quirked my eyebrow at him, which he answered with a scoff. “Obviously, I have school, too, Toni.” This only left me more confused as he veered ahead of me and turned to face me, walking backwards and studying my perturbed expression. It's then I noticed a backpack on his shoulder. My brain took a while to process all this information. Frank actually took me to school. Frank had been going to my school. How...? Apparently my gaze hardened because I was met with another scoff. “I, um, I try not to be that noticeable. It's actually surprisingly easy.”

    And that was that. He was off through the school doors, blending with the sea of faces like he was obviously so good at.


    I tried to munch on my saltine crackers with interest, but everything that touched my tongue soured on contact. Even the too-much-sugar-too-much-fizz soda seemed bitter. He just had to worm his way into everything. I couldn't even enjoy food anymore because of the likes of Francis Gauthier. I'd searched the cafeteria about a hundred times, but he sure hadn't been kidding about not being noticeable. You'd think by now I'd be attuned to his presence, but he was nowhere to be found. It made me feel like I needed a shower, knowing his eyes were on me but he was a shadow. I had spent the first half of the day super-aware of everyone around me, and knowing that none of them were the creep I wanted to keep an eye on. With the way lunch was going, the second half of the day wasn't shaping up to be much different. Aside from this, it had been the usual: idiots trying to rope me into talking like people trying to goad Buckingham Palace guards (and getting the same amount of success); suffering croaking out an answer or two during class; and, in a show of our most foundational instinct, just trying to survive high school.

    By the end of the day, I was ready to make a quick escape before Stranger Danger could even think of trying to bring me home. Or wherever he wanted to bring me. Here's hoping he would give up looking for me and drive back home while I walked the scenic route. Of course, my bladder had other ideas.

    And that's how I found myself hiding in a bathroom stall after school, hoping Stranger Danger wasn't waiting outside the thin bathroom door. Maybe if I waited here a while he'd give up looking. It was worth a try. I was just about to flush the toilet when the door creaked open and a pair of scuffed and worn-out sneakers entered. Crapcrapcrap...I was not going to come out of this stall now. She'd expect me to engage in gossip, like most girls did in the bathroom. There was no way in heck I was going out there. But then she stopped. And there she stayed, near the sinks, stomping the toe of one of her sneakers to a rhythm only know to her. I stayed as far back in the stall as possible, trying not to draw attention. Why was she waiting? There were at least four other open stalls! Why did I have to give up mine? If she would just pick another then I could wait for her to get done and leave and make my escape.

    But no... Five freakin' minutes passed with that same pair of sneakers in that same freakin' place, tapping that same freakin' faulty rhythm. I was almost to hysterics by this point. It was a stalemate. Fine. I was going to have to give this stall up to her so I could get out of here and to home as quickly as possible. You win, mystery picky female. Thanks for pushing my buttons.

    Before unlocking the stall door, I took a deep breath and mentally repeated a mantra. No eye contact. No eye contact. No eye contact. No eye contact and you'll be fine. Eyes to the ground, I slid the lock open and burst through the door, practically skittering to the sink. Now that I got a better look at those sneakers, they looked eerily familiar. Eh, it was probably a girl that walked by me in class all the time and I just hadn't remembered until I saw them again. Eyes still downcast, I approached the sink.

    Feeling her presence still behind me, I turned the knobs on the faucet. Seriously? She wasn't even going to take the stall now?! I didn't have much time to get angry, though, because a low drawl boomed out, “Didn't know if ya were ever gonna come out.”

    My hand had just happened to be under the soap bottle and I already had a small puddle in my palm. Both went arcing above my head as I jumped in absolute terror. Of course, one drop altered its flight to land smack-dab in my wide-with-fright eye. Trying to block out the stinging pain of soap in my eye, I whirled around with a one-eyed glare and practically squeaked, “What are you doing here?”

    Standing in front of me, a bored expression on his face, was the devil himself: Frank freakin' Gauthier.

“Huh. So it does speak.” Without another word, he lifted himself from the wall, ran a hand through his hair, checking himself in the mirror, and clomped out the door. What the heck had just happened?

    And so began the now-unavoidable ride home. I don't know why I followed him to the truck. I could have made my escape then. Maybe I was so much in shock I couldn't think of an escape plan. Whatever it was, it landed me right back into that truck. And let me guess, he was going to take me home like he could never ever be the serial killer I believed he was. Typical. He was just building up my trust so he could turn on me. But I wasn't being fooled.

Decomposition starts to set within my chest
It's an attack the calcium prison can't prevent
All just post-adolescent fears and deep regret
But it still burns me to the core

The mind's a-whirl with possibilities
That get shot down by flaming arrows of Doubt
And as they twirl my mind's alive again
With latent fear that's threatening to claw its way out

"Kiss and make it better" doesn't work anymore
When Logic rips your soul to shreds
Reality is laughing its cruel chortle again
I don't want to wake until it ends
As the last grains of youth slither between my fingers
I'll wish again that childhood never died
4,776 deviations
Ice-cold shards for a heart
Death welling in my stomach
Spilling worms out of my mouth

Sharpened blades for boundaries
Layered thickly all about me
Making all who trespass bleed

Ancient demon tongue within
Spouting curses, damning curses
Leaving scars along my brain


Ruin me as I've ruined you
Take these shattered remnants of me
Crush them underneath your shoes

Never give to me your heart
For I'll gnash and shred and murder
It's my one perfected art

     Monday was uneventful. I couldn't even relax outside for fear of having to face Stranger Danger tomorrow. Why in the world would he offer to take me to school? That was the question I tried to avoid answering all day. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know the inner working of his mind. I didn't want to know him. I wanted to move far away where his predator eyes couldn't track me. I wanted to sneak off to school for the rest of this year. I wanted to never go outside again.
     It was inevitable, though. Whatever I figured, there was still no feasible way to avoid him completely. And Mom expected us to be friends. Again, I might add. Old friends or not, there was no way I was even attempting to communicate with him. Mom better be right about him never talking like me. He wasn't even getting a look from me.

     Bear with me. You'll only have to endure a bit more of this. I had such a disgusting attitude back then. And even though I'd love to portray myself as a kind soul who accepted Frank right away, I need to be as true as possible, even if it doesn't make me look so good.
     I feel it beneficial to tell you I'm currently in my late twenties while writing this. I look back on these adolescent years and realize what a snob I was and a poor judge of character (even though, in my defense, Frank continued to have that creepy aura the whole rest of his life.) Maybe I can skip just a bit, just to keep from boring you or offending you further. Maybe it'd just be better to skip to Tuesday morning. Are you all right with that?

     This was it. This was the morning I would be stuck in a car with Stranger Danger. It wasn't a sarcastic nickname anymore: it was the very concept of him. I was 100% sure there'd be a search party out within the next 48 hours, scouring the swamps for my mangled body, while Frank would be nowhere to be found. I was that sure of who he really was. Childhood friend or not, I still knew nothing about who he was now.

     Funny how those two kinds of things completely contradict each other. You're so sure of who you someone really is, but it's because you don't know them that makes you so sure. Following that train of thought can be so dizzying, but comes completely naturally to us humans and even animals. The unknown is foreign and therefore inherently evil. This was one of the many lessons about humanity that even simply Frank's existence taught me, and something I've lived much better from counteracting.

     I got ready far too early and in a hurry, because I couldn't stand one more second memorizing my ceiling when I obviously wouldn't get back to sleep. I did everything but brush my teeth, and managed to do so slow enough that there was only an hour or so left before I would leave for school. So I ate my breakfast slowly as Jordan finally decided to come alive and creak open his door before stumbling into the bathroom. I would have laughed if I wasn't so scared.
     Reviewing my options again, I quickly made myself some cereal and crunched on it almost mechanically. Was there anything, ANYTHING, I could do to avoid this? I could play sick... but 1) it was very unlike me to miss school 2) we had just come off a three-day weekend, and 3) both these things would make Mom and Dad skeptical. Okay... Option 2: I could sneak off to school before Fr---Stranger Danger could pick me up. Of course, this option would do me more harm than good. Either Stranger Danger would tell Mom or she would ask us both how it went. Option 3: I could just out-and-out avoid all of this by walking; just defy it to the end. That should work, right? Either way, it was really the only option.
     Determined now, I threw my cereal bowl in the sink (an I mean that literally: I threw it in there. But I didn't hear crashing, so I guess that's good.) and raced up the stairs to get ready. I brushed my teeth like a madman and then took the stairs by twos back down. Swinging my hardly-full backpack on my shoulder, I marched confidently out the door.
     I may have spent the last three years wondering how Stranger Danger was going to get me and every which way he could murder me, but I'd also somewhat gained more confidence. Even though it felt like there was no escape, there was no way I wasn't fighting 'til the end. He'd have to fight just as hard.
     Confidence wasn't the only thing I had gained during these past years. I now had somewhat of a sense of style that didn't involve raiding the laundry or a fruity smell to cover up a funk. And, admittedly, I kind of prided myself on that change. It showed maturity and effort, at least in my eyes.
     Speaking of maturity, I was much gaunter and more lanky than before. My face was basically stretched across my skull rather than having that girly chubbiness to it. My hair had also gotten lighter and longer. It was still very dull and thin, but now fair enough to almost be white. Sad frail curtain stretched down past my elbows and covered my face most of the time. It was easy to hide behind and, although I wasn't shy, I usually preferred to. If you looked unapproachable, people usually assumed you were and left you alone. I had also somewhat grown into my disproportionate feline features. My face had always been kind of disproportionate, or at least that's what I've been told. It's what happens when you inherit your dad's slender chin and small mouth and your mom's wide head and prominent cheekbones. All in all, I wasn't exactly ugly, but I wouldn't call myself gorgeous. I guess you could say there was some natural beauty hidden deep, deep in there somewhere. But you'd be overestimating me: I was just average. And I was okay with that.
     I had already passed Fr---Stranger Danger's house and was strolling down the road without a care. Defiance never felt so good. I would literally do a happy dance if I made it all the way to the school, especially if I could see Stranger Danger's pissed-off face. That would definitely be something to celebrate.

     My pride and happiness had just about boiled over. I was only about two miles from the school and I'd opted to taking a longer, more lonely path so I could enjoy my freedom without cars speeding past. It was nice, just to be able to think and relax after all the stress. And if I kept up this defiant act, maybe I could just keep walking to school or hitch a ride with Jordan's carpool and embarrass him. Mom would eventually give in when she figured out making me go with Frank -- Stranger Danger! Not Frank! -- was more trouble than it was worth. I did feel kind of bad for giving Mom trouble when she already had so much going on. but this wasn't a matter or pride, like she thought it was: I was saving her the death of a daughter in the long run.
     I was about to the middle of this lonely stretch of road when I heard an engine puttering along behind me. Before I could figure out whether it was passing or turning in a driveway, it stopped. That's kinda strange, I thought, and before I could even think anything else, two arms crushed my waist from behind, pinning my arms to my sides.
     I froze. I'm going to die I'm going to die, is all I kept thinking. My feet rose up from the pavement as my captor grunted with effort to lift me. It wasn't until I saw the truck he was about to stuff me in that my body finally woke up. I screeched, struggling, before realizing I was on a long, almost-empty my own choice. You didn't think that maybe JUST MAYBE he might follow you? Why'd you pick an empty road?! is what I probably would have yelled at myself if I wasn't so busy thinking of how I was going to get away. As the passenger seat loomed closer, I finally thought to use the heels of my sneakers. My legs thrashed back and forth wildly, and on the backswing one heel managed to catch right under his knee while the other nailed his crotch. With a howl of pain he went down, but not before shoving me into the car. I dove out the car door, but he had already gotten back up. I was met with Frank's hand clenching my shoulder and his face in mine. Of course it was Frank; that didn't shock me at all. But it was a very good thing because then I could put the past three years of fear and anger into what I was about to do. Abruptly, I turned from his predator eyes and bit deep into his hand, possibly taking a chunk. But instead of this going how I planned, he poured his anger into almost slamming the door on my legs. By reflex, I pulled them in.
     And then I was trapped.
     Quickly, he walked around to his side, making sure the whole time that I wasn't unlocking the truck. I wasn't fast enough to lock his side and escape out of mine.
     He climbed in the driver's seat, started the car and locked it, and grumbled under his breath, "GAWD, yer difficult."
     And that was that.

An Urgent Need for Ruin: Chapter Four
So I ran this chapter through OpenOffice spellcheck since deviantart doesn't have one, so it should be free of typos.
Okay so this is the chapter when crap hits the fan. And you just thought this was a Twilight-y fic and Toni was just being dramatic... Nope!
I was originally going to have the kidnapping scene a bit longer, but I think I like how it is. Let me know what you think! Please!
As soon as I saw the shy people with multicoloured hair and backpacks, I knew I was in the right place. Deviantart meet-up? YES PLEASE!
Over the river and through the woods, to Sands Expo we goooo! No kidding, though. It took FOREVER to find our way to the Venetian and to find where we were supposed to go once inside. It was quite a trying adventure.
Once FINALLY to Hall C, I wandered around a bit and tried to figure out what to do. I was pretty sure no one I knew was coming and a lot of time was reserved for meet-ups. I was also surrounded by tons of amazing artists drawing with ease while my notebooks rested comfortably in my psuedo-hippie messenger bag. After looking around a bit, I spotted a fellow deviant I suspected was in my own situation. Now, I'm not too good a socializer. In fact, the thought of talking to a stranger makes me queasy. But I swallowed my fear, strode up to her and subject led to subject until we were both walking around the convention and talking like best buds!
This day may not have gone the way I expected, but it turned out much better. Along with all the souvenirs and experience I took away from this convention, I also came away with a new friendship with an UBER-TALENTED Momoko-Kawase . Definitely making this a regular thing.
#CAVE #deviantart


Reprogrammed's Profile Picture
N W Raven
Artist | Student | Literature
United States
Lyricist, Vocalist of Social Insomnia


And now, for something entirely different:

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

"Death Be Not Proud"
-- by John Donne

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birthdays Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

On behalf of the birthdays team, I sincerely apologize that your greeting has arrived late this year.

We hope you had an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: KoudelkaW
Reprogrammed Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you! And I love the emoticons. XP
HitanTenshi Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy birthday!
Reprogrammed Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you! Love your new icon.
HitanTenshi Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
^_^ Thank you
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
Happy birthday! :D
Reprogrammed Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you!
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014
You're welcome! :3
this-person Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the comment and the watch ^^;
socialfacilitation Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
thanks for watching me :)
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