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About Literature / Student N W RavenFemale/United States Group :iconlonelypumpkin: LonelyPumpkin
Writing with poise.
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Deviant for 4 Years
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This is a gallery of my attempts to show you the wide assortment of things I find intriguing. Enjoy! Or not, if they don't quite suit your fancy.

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The crowds, the sights, the rising noise level
Constant stimuli, racing past the boiling point
Conceal the shakes (hidetheshakeshidetheshakeshidetheshakes) the anxious twitch
Stuff the paranoia deep where no one else will see
I don't wanna be here (Idon'twannabehereIDON'TWANNABEHEREGETMEOUTOFHERE)

Stop staring over my shoulder, stop reading what I write!
Get your filthy hands and words away
And learn what personal space is!

The sleeves are too short to cover my hands
The collar is lacking a hood
I have no shield and I've rejected my crutch

Internal pressure and temperature on the rise, sir
The captain refuses to abandon ship

     

    I won't say I didn't think of throwing myself out the car door. I did. Again and again. It was the afterthought of my brains and guts smeared across the asphalt that froze my hand on the door handle. Or I could survive the drop and end up knocking myself out, only making this easier for him. Or I could survive the fall, not knock myself out, still be hurt though, and run... And he would be in a car.

    Don't call me a coward. I was already afraid for my life. It was just a question of was I willing to end it myself or let him do it for me. And I caved. Was I brave enough to make him crash the truck and probably not stagger away from the crash? Was I willing to kill someone, no matter how evil they may be? No, I wasn't. I wasn't an action movie heroine; I wasn't jacked up enough on adrenaline to murder, even in self-defense; I wasn't the survivor: I was a little girl. Even for all my trumpeting earlier that I was a fighter, I was a little girl.

 

    His laser focus was contagious. I stared straight ahead at the road, seeing but not seeing. I knew I should be memorizing our route so I could get back home when I – IF I ever – escaped, but I was running on autopilot. I had forfeited control of myself. And, if I was honest, I just didn't have the energy to wrestle it back. After my revelation, control had been sapped away from me. It was like my resolution was this big dam that kept it all in and I'd demolished it with one sure swing.

    I slept on and off. Don't judge me. How can you say you would have acted any differently? We all like to think in some life-or-death situation we'd be the noble main character, but maybe we're all just the extras that are picked off one by one. Maybe we're all just cowards.

 

    “Up. We're here.” It was a gruff voice, but familiar; I couldn't place it with the unfamiliar tone the person was using. Here? Where's “here?” Everything was murky from sleep, but I could feel the truck stop. Doors creaked open and slammed, rocking me. Eyes still refused to open. And then the world snapped abruptly into focus. There was suddenly gossip and laughing and footsteps. My eyes flew open.

    School. Huh. I read the name in bold letters about a million times but it still didn't make sense. Frank...actually took me here? But there were my classmates running past and leaning on the side of the building, cliques gossiping between themselves, jocks pushing around a group of goth kids who pushed back just as hard. What even...?

    My car door opened and a backpack was held out to me. I hesitated. He couldn't have possibly just taken me to school like he was supposed to. What was with all that kidnapping business then? “You have ta go ta school, Toni.” My name grabs my attention; but more so the gentle way he said it. Almost quiet-like. Like muttering. It didn't fit with the demanding words. I mentally shook myself. Since when had I thought of Frank as anything but dark and harsh?

    Before I could elaborate on my thoughts, I found myself snatching the backpack from his hand and swinging it violently onto my shoulder, making sure to at least whack his truck in the process. This earned me a glare, which I shot right back. Southern boys and their trucks, man... I started to walk with purpose toward the school building when I could feel him keeping pace beside me. Puzzled, I quirked my eyebrow at him, which he answered with a scoff. “Obviously, I have school, too, Toni.” This only left me more confused as he veered ahead of me and turned to face me, walking backwards and studying my perturbed expression. It's then I noticed a backpack on his shoulder. My brain took a while to process all this information. Frank actually took me to school. Frank had been going to my school. How...? Apparently my gaze hardened because I was met with another scoff. “I, um, I try not to be that noticeable. It's actually surprisingly easy.”

    And that was that. He was off through the school doors, blending with the sea of faces like he was obviously so good at.

 

    I tried to munch on my saltine crackers with interest, but everything that touched my tongue soured on contact. Even the too-much-sugar-too-much-fizz soda seemed bitter. He just had to worm his way into everything. I couldn't even enjoy food anymore because of the likes of Francis Gauthier. I'd searched the cafeteria about a hundred times, but he sure hadn't been kidding about not being noticeable. You'd think by now I'd be attuned to his presence, but he was nowhere to be found. It made me feel like I needed a shower, knowing his eyes were on me but he was a shadow. I had spent the first half of the day super-aware of everyone around me, and knowing that none of them were the creep I wanted to keep an eye on. With the way lunch was going, the second half of the day wasn't shaping up to be much different. Aside from this, it had been the usual: idiots trying to rope me into talking like people trying to goad Buckingham Palace guards (and getting the same amount of success); suffering croaking out an answer or two during class; and, in a show of our most foundational instinct, just trying to survive high school.

    By the end of the day, I was ready to make a quick escape before Stranger Danger could even think of trying to bring me home. Or wherever he wanted to bring me. Here's hoping he would give up looking for me and drive back home while I walked the scenic route. Of course, my bladder had other ideas.

    And that's how I found myself hiding in a bathroom stall after school, hoping Stranger Danger wasn't waiting outside the thin bathroom door. Maybe if I waited here a while he'd give up looking. It was worth a try. I was just about to flush the toilet when the door creaked open and a pair of scuffed and worn-out sneakers entered. Crapcrapcrap...I was not going to come out of this stall now. She'd expect me to engage in gossip, like most girls did in the bathroom. There was no way in heck I was going out there. But then she stopped. And there she stayed, near the sinks, stomping the toe of one of her sneakers to a rhythm only know to her. I stayed as far back in the stall as possible, trying not to draw attention. Why was she waiting? There were at least four other open stalls! Why did I have to give up mine? If she would just pick another then I could wait for her to get done and leave and make my escape.

    But no... Five freakin' minutes passed with that same pair of sneakers in that same freakin' place, tapping that same freakin' faulty rhythm. I was almost to hysterics by this point. It was a stalemate. Fine. I was going to have to give this stall up to her so I could get out of here and to home as quickly as possible. You win, mystery picky female. Thanks for pushing my buttons.

    Before unlocking the stall door, I took a deep breath and mentally repeated a mantra. No eye contact. No eye contact. No eye contact. No eye contact and you'll be fine. Eyes to the ground, I slid the lock open and burst through the door, practically skittering to the sink. Now that I got a better look at those sneakers, they looked eerily familiar. Eh, it was probably a girl that walked by me in class all the time and I just hadn't remembered until I saw them again. Eyes still downcast, I approached the sink.

    Feeling her presence still behind me, I turned the knobs on the faucet. Seriously? She wasn't even going to take the stall now?! I didn't have much time to get angry, though, because a low drawl boomed out, “Didn't know if ya were ever gonna come out.”

    My hand had just happened to be under the soap bottle and I already had a small puddle in my palm. Both went arcing above my head as I jumped in absolute terror. Of course, one drop altered its flight to land smack-dab in my wide-with-fright eye. Trying to block out the stinging pain of soap in my eye, I whirled around with a one-eyed glare and practically squeaked, “What are you doing here?”

    Standing in front of me, a bored expression on his face, was the devil himself: Frank freakin' Gauthier.

“Huh. So it does speak.” Without another word, he lifted himself from the wall, ran a hand through his hair, checking himself in the mirror, and clomped out the door. What the heck had just happened?

    And so began the now-unavoidable ride home. I don't know why I followed him to the truck. I could have made my escape then. Maybe I was so much in shock I couldn't think of an escape plan. Whatever it was, it landed me right back into that truck. And let me guess, he was going to take me home like he could never ever be the serial killer I believed he was. Typical. He was just building up my trust so he could turn on me. But I wasn't being fooled.

Decomposition starts to set within my chest
It's an attack the calcium prison can't prevent
All just post-adolescent fears and deep regret
But it still burns me to the core

The mind's a-whirl with possibilities
That get shot down by flaming arrows of Doubt
And as they twirl my mind's alive again
With latent fear that's threatening to claw its way out

"Kiss and make it better" doesn't work anymore
When Logic rips your soul to shreds
Reality is laughing its cruel chortle again
I don't want to wake until it ends
As the last grains of youth slither between my fingers
I'll wish again that childhood never died
4,770 deviations
BLANKNESS
BLANKNESS
Ice-cold shards for a heart
Death welling in my stomach
Spilling worms out of my mouth

EDGES
EDGES
Sharpened blades for boundaries
Layered thickly all about me
Making all who trespass bleed

ANCIENT
ANCIENT
Ancient demon tongue within
Spouting curses, damning curses
Leaving scars along my brain

CORPSES
CORPSES
ALL I SEE ARE CORPSES
LITTERED AT MY FEET
VACANT EYES TARGETING ME

RUIN
RUIN
Ruin me as I've ruined you
Take these shattered remnants of me
Crush them underneath your shoes

HATE ME
HATE ME
Never give to me your heart
For I'll gnash and shred and murder
It's my one perfected art
As soon as I saw the shy people with multicoloured hair and backpacks, I knew I was in the right place. Deviantart meet-up? YES PLEASE!
Over the river and through the woods, to Sands Expo we goooo! No kidding, though. It took FOREVER to find our way to the Venetian and to find where we were supposed to go once inside. It was quite a trying adventure.
Once FINALLY to Hall C, I wandered around a bit and tried to figure out what to do. I was pretty sure no one I knew was coming and a lot of time was reserved for meet-ups. I was also surrounded by tons of amazing artists drawing with ease while my notebooks rested comfortably in my psuedo-hippie messenger bag. After looking around a bit, I spotted a fellow deviant I suspected was in my own situation. Now, I'm not too good a socializer. In fact, the thought of talking to a stranger makes me queasy. But I swallowed my fear, strode up to her and subject led to subject until we were both walking around the convention and talking like best buds!
This day may not have gone the way I expected, but it turned out much better. Along with all the souvenirs and experience I took away from this convention, I also came away with a new friendship with an UBER-TALENTED Momoko-Kawase . Definitely making this a regular thing.
#CAVE #deviantart

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N W Raven
Artist | Student | Literature
United States
about.me/N_W_Raven
Lyricist, Vocalist of Social Insomnia

I BECAME INSANE, WITH LONG INTERVALS OF HORRIBLE SANITY. --EDGAR ALAN POE

And now, for something entirely different:

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

"Death Be Not Proud"
-- by John Donne
(1572-1631)





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:iconfuneralroseteaparty:
FuneralRoseTeaParty Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2015  New Deviant Student Writer
I just realized your birthday was yesterday! Happy Birthday! Thank you for the watch as well, it means a lot. ^ ~ ^ 
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:iconbirthdays:
birthdays Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2015
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

It's June 15th which means it's that time of the year again and your special day is here! We hope you have an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

---
Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: KoudelkaW
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:iconreprogrammed:
Reprogrammed Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2015  Student Writer
Thank you!
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:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2015
Happy birthday! :D
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:iconreprogrammed:
Reprogrammed Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2015  Student Writer
Thank you!
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:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2015
You're welcome! :3
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconbirthd::iconbir2::iconbir3::iconbir4:
:iconbir5::iconbir6::iconbir7::iconbir8:
:iconbir9::iconbir1::iconbir10::iconbir11:
:iconbir12::iconbir13::iconbir14::iconbir15:
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:iconreprogrammed:
Reprogrammed Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2015  Student Writer
Thank you!
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:iconbirthdays:
birthdays Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

On behalf of the birthdays team, I sincerely apologize that your greeting has arrived late this year.

We hope you had an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

---
Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: KoudelkaW
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:iconreprogrammed:
Reprogrammed Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you! And I love the emoticons. XP
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